Excerpt from the anthology on empowering women
"I felt like the biggest fool in that moment. I just sobbed uncontrollably. At one point, my only words were tears. No words could describe the pain that I felt. My mind went back to the warning that I had ignored. Suddenly I felt like I had brought it on myself. She kept saying that she told him to stop which only deepened my pain. She talked about not having anywhere to go which I do not care about in that moment because I was in such pain. As months passed, God softened my heart towards the both of them. Trust me it was not an overnight process. In fact, I fought feelings of devastation in the initial months. It was so traumatizing that I would not sleep in our bedroom for months. I started putting clothes in the bathroom to avoid my bedroom because of the images that it was connected to. So for a while, my own bedroom served as what they would call a trauma reminder."
"February 12, 2007, changed everything. At this time, I had been an undergraduate student at the University of Saint Thomas working on my undergraduate degree in theology. The day started out as normal. I woke up, took our dog out, and walked a couple of blocks to the bus stop. I arrived at school, and I noticed that my pastor had tried to call me. My phone was off so I could not call anyone, but they could call me. After my second class, I recurred a note telling me to go to the office of counseling and disability. My mother and my cousin were there. When I saw them, I had a gut feeling that something was wrong, but would find out not even a minute later. I was told that my husband died. I screamed and I screamed. I sobbed and screamed and screamed. I yelling out, “God, no.” I thought that someone had to be playing a sick joke on me which I did not appreciate. It felt like a bad dream that I could not wake up from. In that moment, some dreams died. I would never hug him or kiss him again. The nightmare was only the beginning. I was not allowed to return to our apartment for weeks. That day and in the days to come I was in shock and numb. So many emotions ran through me. I was in so much pain. I still recall standing in the room yelling “God no, this cannot be happening to me, “over and over again. I had bought a card for my husband saying how much I looked forward to many years together- a dream that got crushed. As you can tell, I never got a chance to give to him. My pastor called me while I was in the office, but I do not even remember much of the conversation. The people from the Harris County Fire Department met me and my mom there and took us to the main station, and the nightmare continued I was asked the same questions 30 different ways while in shock and numb. The world around me had suddenly changed, and I was trying to understand, but I could not."